Random Thoughts on A Sleepless Night:

I miss writing.  But lately I just can’t seem to find it within myself to utter anything significant or worth sharing. Life has become really really unexciting as of late, and I’m not sure how. 

Question: Does anyone else get weird thoughts when falling asleep?

It started last night right before I went to sleep. All was fine then all of a sudden I remembered the events at the start of last week and then I instantly felt lost.

One thing about emotions, for me, is that either everything is okay or everything is off beam. There is no middle ground. So, what this means is that when one thing creates a big enough splash the whole system begins to be ill with, meaning that things that were bearable become a major issue as well.

When something is on my mind, I mean on my mind to the point of worry, it races around and around and around. This is what was going on last night and then one thought led to this and to another one:

1.       Life before months ago was warm, sunny, and welcoming.  Life then was home - my beloved Manila, Philippines.  As I’m sitting here writing this, my heart aches to know what my parents are doing, what my sister have been learning lately, and how my sweet Japanese Spitz, Jolly, is doing.  I imagine my Mom already in bed, on Skype with my dad, talking about anything under the sun and probably thinking about her children, probably mostly me.  She calls me everyday sometimes just to say what do I want for dinner and what time will I go home from the hospital.  Why I’m tearing up now as I realize this and didn’t in the moment she called, I’m not sure. I miss her so much…I think I will call her later to tell her that. Life now happens here in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, the Desert Land, where it’s summer-y most of the year.  Temperature has been steadily in the 30’s and 40’s, some days with rain, and almost every day with the kind of wind and sun that feels like a thousand needles poking at your flesh.  Having lived in Manila all my life, this calls for a major adjustment to say the least, and I’ve been struggling with exactly that since July 27, 2012.  Having said that, Riyadh is truly a great city.  I’ve got to spend only so much time getting to know its culture and history, but I can see how so many people appreciate living here despite its harsh weather and uncanny environment.  I can only hope that when new season comes, so will a sense of hope and a change of heart in me.  I’m having a hard time, but I’m learning to see things in a positive light. 

2.       “When you love someone, sometimes you don’t need to have words to describe the way you feel but you just know that it’s right. When your mom and I got serious we didn’t verbally say that we need to take it to the next step but we felt that we needed to. He loves me too much that sometimes I wonder if I could ever return it.”

I have seen a lot of relationships sky rocket to victory and fall to pieces at the same time. The ones that were unbeaten were solely for the reason that the partners trust each other with their lives, are willing to stand by each other through thick and thin, form their own beliefs and not the ones influenced by others, never distrust the other person’s intent ‘coz they truly believe in each other and their obvious good intentions for each other. Whereas slipping on any one of the above could definitely lead to a sudden breakdown. And I don’t say this without any experience; rather it’s from my own personal experience. Times as a victim and at times as the villain. But, learning is often more important than experiencing. We might experience something a hundred times, but it’s what we learn out of it that matters the most. To trust, to believe, to love and to be happy. Coz come what may, what matters in the end, is the trust, the belief, the blind faith in each other, be it love, loyalty, intentions, so called truths or lies.

I’m still in a bit of a worry spree today, but last night, right before I drifted off to sleep, I slipped a small smile because, despite how exasperating it is to have a brain that runs wild like it did last night, it’s that trait in which I do what I do, but it all started because of Grace, making the dedication, in any language, more than appropriate.

(Source: kayepooot, via kayepooot)

(Source: kayepooot, via kayepooot)